Forgettably Essential

I recently went to the Long Beach Comic Convention, and while I did find a book I was looking for, I also found a special gift for my brother. I was going to try and keep it a secret. It's a DVD, and since it wasn't shrink wrapped, I figured I should watch it. After watching it, I realize I have to speak about it somewhere in my collection of blogs, and it seemed to fit here. Also, I don't think Shipping Magnate Gonzo, younger brother of the Chef, doesn't read this site.

Here's a shot of the DVD case:

Yup, that's the goddamned Holiday Special, the most godawful piece of crap produced with the name "Star Wars" attached to it, and that's saying something.

Most hard core fans try to ignore this program,and even the actors regret doing it. George Lucas himself had nothing to do with it, and, in the picture of the reverse of the DVD jewel case below, they have Lucas quoted as saying: "If I had time and a hammer, I'd track down every bootleg copy and smash it..."

This copy has some bonus features: the "Troops" parody of "Cops", which has its moments. The "Hardware Wars" was funnier than I remember, and the "Lost Auditions" was actually from MAD TV, and SNL.

So, in 1978, just a year removed from Star Wars and two years to go still before Empire Strikes Back, someone who had enough power over the rights of the intellectual property, decided to put together a variety show style Holiday Special revolved around the Star Wars universe.

It's been roundly criticized by fans of the Star Wars universe, fans of variety shows, and even slack jawed yokels who spend hours staring at the tube.

It does, as any hard core fan can tell you, actually have the first appearance of the strangely popular bounty hunter Boba Fett. So, while it would be most helpful to pretend that it doesn't exist, the fourteen minutes of animation from Nelvana Studios is necessary for Boba Fett's existence.

I thought, you know, I should watch this sucker. I'd be a more complete fan. Nevermind that I don't really consider myself a fan so much anymore.

Let me start with an all-caps warning, from the critical eye that just watched this "special": IT IS FUCKING EYES BLEEDINGLY AWFUL. I do thing that every fan should have to sit through it, but they should be forced to have a gravity bong rip before hand, or only after a six pack or something.

I kept notes as it went on and on and on. It opens with Han Solo and Chewie sitting at a lame remake of the Millennium Falcon cockpit, dodging imperial fighters, all the while Han promising he'll get Chewbacca back to Kashyyyk, his home planet, in time for the "Life Day" celebrations. The opening scene is fast paced and jerky looking.

Then the "Holiday Special" credits roll, and we see who the guests are to be, and afterwards we're introduced to Chewie's fam: his wife Mala, son Lumpy, and father Itchy. They have some other, real, names I guess, but those are all we really hear, and then only by humans.

And then we get the Chewbacca family for eight minutes, all growls as they do housework, and then Grandpa Itchy gave the boy Lumpy a tape to watch, and we get four minutes of the lamest Cirque du Solei crap to a horrible instrumental disco inspired track. Ugh, already it's worse than bad.

Around the 12 minute mark we get Mark Hamil's appearance. he's working on his X-wing, or something, and he shows concern for Chewie and Han not being there yet. See, they're still off fighting, or running, or whatever.

Then we get to watch as Malla watches a cooking show, with what looks like some guy in drag and blackface, and who eventually gets an extra set of arms, and it is really awful. It goes on and on, isn't funny but you get the feeling it should be, and all the while Malla is showing she can't cook? Maybe? She's at least having trouble with the recipe, or the pace of the show's chef is setting. It seems to go on forever, but it may be just about six minutes, which feels like an eternity.

Maybe the cartoon is next, but it could just be more of the Chewbacca family growling around their treehouse. At one point Grandpa sits in a chair and puts his head into hair a dryer thing from a salon and he's subjected to a psychedelic show, and we're subjected to another glittery light show, and then signing. It's a young and pretty black girl with some kind of plastic stuff on her head where hair might be.

At the 37th minute we finally see Leia, who's also nervous about Han and Chewie not being back, but at least the human trader has stopped by the Chewbacca residence; he can translate. After the picture phone call, the imperial gaurds show up, and at some point, around minute 45 one guy sits down to watch a fucking video. It's actually a long Jefferson Starship disco era absurdity.

Now you ask yourself What the fuck is wrong with me for staying with this garbage this long? Somehow we make it to minute 69...over an hour of this shit, and we're in a tavern on Tatooine. Who's the bartender?

Bea Arthur.

Beatrice Fucking Arthur is the bartender in the bar on Tatooine. Bastards should've opened with this; you've got me. Some dill-hole is trying to woo her, then the imperial guys send out a picture wall message that a curfew has been instilled on Tatooine, and she has an effective way of getting the drunks to leave: she starts singing. Oh good gravy, at minute 77 there's Bea Arthur singing in a Star War, er, project.

That cartoon was kinda cool...a planet with a surface like bubblegum, and Boba Fett at first saving Han and Luke, but turning out to be a big douche. I dunno. Check it out on YouTube if you really want to see it. It's an interesting look at late 70s Canadian animation.

Just when you think it should be over, guess what: Princess Leia sings the words to a song about Life Day and Peace to the main John Williams score, the dam theme score, if you can call it that. She sings the theme song.

And it still isn't over yet, as we get part of the Life Day ceremony, because Chewbacca and Han made it back safely at some point where I guess I was making another gin and tonic. No, I remember it now; it sucked like everything else.

I once wrote a piece about Troll 2 and this Holiday Special is much, much worse.

"Hardware Wars" almost makes up for it. Seriously...almost. Where the Holiday Special is long, plodding and awful, "Hardware Wars" is short, fast-paced, and actually genuinely funny.

Look out Brother Gonzo, it's coming to you sooner than you think!